The more astute among you would have noticed that I have not updated this blog for quite some time. There are a multitude of reasons that explain this severe slackness, but I’m not going to tell you.
So suck on that.
After my rant against both cruises and ladies of the night in my last entry I attracted criticism from all sides; Pimps wanted a piece of my pasty ass, P&O came round to my bedsit with scaffolding poles, and my planned trip on the QE2 is right down the shitter. Now I’ll never see Dubai.
Dubai, that reminds me. What the fuck is the point in getting caught in the act of carnal mating and going to prison over there: (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/middleeast/dubai/3269149/Dubai-couple-face-longer-sentence-for-fornicating-on-beach.html ) Now, I’m all for sandy shenanigans, but if you were really looking to piss off the locals I think you could push the boat out a little:
- Fuck a dog on the beach.
- Make a cock out of sand, and sit on it whilst moaning in sheer ecstasy as you have a hand sandy. (see what I did there? Fuck me I’m good.)
- Get your cock, smash it in an Arabs face. Preferably right through that looking peeping hole that they all have in their fancy dresses. I’m sorry, but those things are just to hide their calloused faces. I mean really, if you were hot, no matter what religion you subscribe to, the least you do is show your face so I could jack it. C’Mon. You know it makes sense.
- Take a shit on their precious sand... if caught I think you could explain it as ‘Bum Oil’. You might even get to be a member of OPEC.
And one further thing on the Dubai matter. If you were the guy, wouldn’t you feel a little cheated that you’re banged up for fucking an ugly whore with a cleft in her chin? Perhaps she did anal.
Back to my issues with pimps. Usually they are not my favourite people – they are black after all and I fucking hate hummers; unless of course they are being given by an Asian ladyboy, way more fun. My issues with Pimps go further than their skin colour and their choice of transportation. I fucking hate they way they speak like they are all Snoop Dogg. I don’t understand why you would aspire to sound like that infantile little shit. I’m going to go out to the States and give them English lessons, see if I can get them to understand words of more than one syllable. I might even get them to spell ‘realised’ without a z. Fucking yanks.
Speaking of fucking yanks, I met Rachel Hunter yesterday. Now those of you who have read the previous entries in this little journey of mine would’ve noticed that I’m partial to man love, but my word, you give me a slut like Rachel Hunter and Icepick can fuck right off.
The only problem with Rachel Hunter, apart from the lingering presence of Rod Stewart is that she is a little slack round the bumhole. I was pounding the fuck out her and not only did she wake up, she politely informed me that she couldn’t feel it. I felt it alright. I felt her shit and pushed it right back up there. In fact, after I used the umbrella I think I managed to get it up to her throat. So if you meet the lovely Rachel soon, and her breath smells a bit off, and she starts talking shit; Blame me.
After the slight disappointment that was Ms. Hunter I still felt the need to seek some sexual satisfaction. It is with heavy heart that I must take the blame for the abuse of her children, Renee and Liam. Although I must say that I think their education could do with some improvement. I mentioned to them that I was the tooth fairy (a pale, fat, English version) and that I had a slightly different approach to getting my prize then what they had read. The gullible fuckers were almost happy that I was pounding them until their teeth fell out. For those of you who are wondering at what point teeth do fall out (you sick, sick cunts) it’s just before the Child Protection Agency busts in through the doors.
As you may have guessed I’m in prison for that little offence. I was hoping for some more public recognition but some eloquent black guy got in the White House. I was astounded until I realised where he actually came from – the White mother. It’s painfully obvious that the right side of him is where he gets his brains from. A clever white guy with a monstrous black cock. A formidable presence I’d wager.
The next time Raymond the Bastard lets me use his laptop I’ll update you with my adventures in this cemented hell hole. Although I must point out that it isn’t as bad as the Shawshank Redemption makes it out to be. I’ve already fucked Morgan Freeman – which I think is a healthy return for my first day. That’s what you get for calling me a fish you cunt.
Love,
Thomas.
